i needed to mark one of the most important historical event in my life as well as to make peace with life, thus the reason for this entry... i know i would need to repeat this every time i visit a doctor as it has become my medical history...
one of the dates that i will never fail to keep track after my marriage is my LMP. it is one of the reasons for my mnn1 and mnn2 among others. ever since mnn2, the LMP date has become the reason for being cautious for mr. hubby. i refused to be responsible for a very welcomed accident.... 27th march, the alarm went off and on 28th march, i know it was for real...
i used to pray to God... ooo God, if it has been destined that i shall be a mother of four, please bless me with the blessings otherwise, give me the conviction that 3 is enough... i wanted to tell my mother in law to pray this for me when she was going for her pilgrimage but i didn't.... it was something i continued to say to God... He is All Listening as well as a Giver.
i am too tired in life. i had always wished life was easier on me though i had always attributed it as kifarah. you need to console yourself. may i pay for all my sins in this life for it is unbearable in the next. so, i bear the life and its circumstances that had been bestowed upon me. i had always been tired and therefore, being mother of four wasn't important anymore as i feared it though it was something i really wanted. on 27th of March, it become important again. i had mixed feelings, i was afraid in the beginning that i didn't truly welcomed it. i was very presumptuous of what will be that i didn't truly smile with my heart when i saw the two lines.
i really don't know what was going on in my husband's mind and heart. i guess we both were swallowed in our own contemplation of how the future was going to be.... i guess secretly both of us wanted a lil baby girl for our princess. i told my mother about the two lines and as usual i was blessed with her prayers to which i said amin... all she worried was my health and therefore overloaded me with advice on how to care for myself and the children as well as to be happy always.
i told my husband to be calm and trust in God for He will show us the way... his reply made me smile and for the first time, i was truly happy about the two lines. my mum had always told me that should a couple have a child, it must be welcomed by both. there should never be an unwanted child. i was truly happy and of course i shared with my best friends and one of them was also expecting her third child. it was so nice to be in the same boat with her for the second time. i started taking the folic acids but i really could not afford the luxury of a peaceful expecting mother. i was actively mothering my three other children while subconsciously mothering my forth as well as being a career woman. life is not easy at this point when you do all the running around, cannot afford to relax using the excuse of the lil angel somewhere in the heavens waiting to be mine....
i am very good at listening to my body on all the changes and i knew i was expecting... sometimes i had this strange feelings and start questioning myself whether i was really pregnant. on the 17th of april, i went for my first scan at supposedly 7 weeks. my gynae welcomed me with a warm smile... she had always been an angel to me and so it was such a good feeling to be meeting her again after 19 months....yes, mnn2 is 19 months. as i lay there in a very familiar environment doing all the familiar procedures, i saw the change in my gynae's facial expression. oh, i so can read her. she wasn't happy with what she saw. immediately, she told me not to announce this pregnancy. oh sorry, i have already done that to those who were really close to me. she explained that all there was was an empty sac dating 5 weeks when she should be able to see more. it which shouldn't be the case had my LMP been accurate. i knew for sure it was.
she went on to explain that at this age, the risk of miscarriage is much higher... i wasn't listening to half the things she was saying... my husband was there to listen to all the technical stuff which i didn't give a damn. my heart sank the moment i saw the changes in her facial expression while she was scanning... my heart sank and turned numb, refused to feel anything.... it is something you thought will never happen to you. my husband and i had a drink with a friend afterwards...i tried to be positive and be myself but i couldn't... i know i needed to cry though for something that wasn't sure.
i went back to the office, there were no one in my room...i cried my heart out...googled and read everyone's experience looking for some hope. yes, there were hopes and that is the reason my gynae wanted me to repeat the scan in two weeks time. i tried to be hopeful...on the way home, i called my best friend...the irony is that she just suffered from the same for the second time only weeks ago and now it is my turn...i cried out to her and of course she calmed me down...she advised me to redha whatever the outcome is... it is a secret only known to Him....
the next day, i started bleeding with severe cramping... it is common for me to bleed in my early pregnancy but this time it was accompanied by pain. my heart knew it but i refused to even think about it. all i was hoping for is a miracle. my tolerance level is unusually high and i get very angry when i am losing it to pain or patience...we rushed to the hospital leaving the children at my mil's only to be given pregnancy support jap. everything subsided...
i lived a zombie life the next two weeks... refused to believe the eventuality, hoping for miracle...listening to my body all the time... sometimes i feel pregnant while other times, empty... they symptoms were fading away... many nights, i would look at my three angels trying to console myself...i am wrong here.... ask a mother who had 10 children but lost one of them.... the remaining children will never never make up for her loss. it is immeasurable. it is never like it is ok to lose one since i have many. the responsibility towards the remaining 9 keeps her going while the memory of 1 lives forever... something in her heart and soul died forever... a part of her happiness is gone forever....every time she looks at the remaining 9 will she remember the 1 she had lost. many nights she lay awake thinking of that 1 since she will be too busy attending to the remaining 9.
i spoke to my friend again and again... while she consoled me i convinced myself that i had to redha.... a friend said if a baby outside your womb is sick, you can do something about it but in my condition, there is nothing i can do because it is all the will of God. the feeling i had was like someone you love the most is leaving you for good and you are in despair since there is nothing you can do about it. i felt like i was going through a break up and i was willing it not to happen. i dreaded each moment...i prayed for God to show me the answer. i dream that my gynae told me that my pregnancy did not progress beyond 5 weeks...yes, i did. the same day, my mum told me that she dream of my grandmother coming to my mum's carrying a lil baby. she left the baby there and without a word, she disappeared... my mum's dream i interpreted as God telling me that everything is alright. it gave me hope... we only interpret things they way we want it to be...
this is where i left of yesterday... when i thought of continuing this post...my heart skipped a bit and tears sprang in my eyes.... i still feel lonely at night when i am all alone without my honeystar in my womb...
it was the day for me to go for the final scan. i had always looked forward to meeting my gynae coz she was someone i looked up like a mother figure...this time, i had a heavy heart... i did the routine and lay still while the procedure was done. my eyes were fixed on the screen. my gynae took a while to find the sac. i saw it crumbling... i knew it. i was numb to face the eventuality. i couldn't evade this fate... time stood still but i could hear my gynae talking while stroking me. my gynae felt sorry for me and i could see it in her eyes. i am a silent fighter. tears rolled down... nothing mattered anymore when all that i wanted eluded me. i had to decide on the D&C date and i told her day after next coz i had a negotiation that i had already committed. so, the appointment was made for that friday... friday, yet another friday was destined...even honeystar was a friday baby. i thanked her and left her clinic to the toilet. who cares what is next. i know i can't stop the tears. no matter how many times i wiped it off, it rolled down.
it didnt matter whether it was just an empty sac... i lost my honey star forever. the possibility of a lil baby in my womb, the possibility of a lil baby girl for my princess was lost... nobody knows whether it was forever. i kept cool. i know i needed to mourn. i needed to cry or i will slowly die inside but to do that i needed to be alone. i was very good at postponing it. my husband gave me the logic behind it but you can never get a woman out of a whirlpool with logic, she needs to get out herself. he was trying to console me. he said that he was at my disposal and we shall do what i wanted. guess what did i do... i so wanted a red frangipani so we went to sungai buloh to get it and afterwards, i wanted to watch a movie...and i did. i went back home to the children and that night, after sorting out everything since i will have to go for a D&C the day after next... my soul was elsewhere.... i couldn't even talk to my own mother...something i never did. i shared everything with her. i smsed my sister and i told her i couldn't talk to anyone with emotional attachment, with whom i would have needed the emotional support. they respected my privacy and smsed me support.
that night sleep eluded me. i couldn't sleep. i tried everything i could but i couldn't. i needed a cuddle so i woke my husband up. we spoke a bit and i cried and cried. finally i slept off. when i woke in the morning, i felt a pang of emptiness and loneliness. i went to the nego session the next day and after the meeting, i couldn't bear being in the office. i left. like a zombie, i was. i was heart broken. i did what i had to do.
i went to the hospital with my husband, still being a zombie... i called my mother and spoke to her. again i could hear the same despair in her voice when i called her during mnn2's birth. i know she was crying when she said she will pray for me. it was one of the most difficult day... i felt the same way i did when i gave away my lil girl to the nurse at the Gleneagles on 14th june 2008... the only difference was i had the conviction that my lil will come back to me but on 4 may 2012, i was bidding farewell to what could have been... i just did the procedures and when the anesthesian came, i spoke to him, answered his questions...i kept calm... and when i was going to be wheeled into the operation theatre, my husband kissed me. i asked his forgiveness and told him to take care of my children if i never came back.
as i lay there for the anaesthesian to put me to sleep, tears rolled again. i vaguely saw my gynae and i was still crying... i could hear her tell the anaesthesian...she is very sad... was the last i heard... i regained consciousness, it took me a while before everything registered. i didn't cry anymore though i felt like a zombie... it was over... as i lay there, in the daycare, i heard the nurse speaking on the phone with a sister from rawang, saying out my name as well.... it must have been my sister who is also a nurse with the KPJ group. she has access to anyone in the KPJ group whenever one of us is ill at one of the KPJ hospitals. everyone at home must have been eager to know what happened...i was too numb though my brains were already alert. the doctor came to visit me...i was in tears again...though she consoled me, i told her my loss is a loss and that is about it and that nobody can undermine my loss by saying it is just an empty sac. of course, mr. hubby is ever so loving...he sat by me and then left for the friday prayers. we came home and my husband buried the remains in the same place as mnn2...it is funny the way my husband tries to make me smile....
i really couldnt speak about this to anyone until this day....but i think of my honey star every night...the secret and the reasons of the unknown will be the privilege of God...God ordains everything while the logic is for you to cope with life. will there be another is all left to the will of God.... my prayers remain the same....
dearest honey star, for now, play with your great grandmother and your grand dad in the heavens...if it is destined for us to unite...may we all be blessed to unite with you in the heavens... till that day, mummy will always love you though you are an illusion but to me, you are so real...i will remember your birthdate, my duedate... 3 december 2012....
