even Allah knows that i am not an easily convinced person. i am amazed at how i think He tried to convince me about something so sensitive and dear to me...it is He who made me the way i am.
even a small issue, i would explore further until the warning signs go blinking before i believe something....i have always been looking for a sign whether God had destined 3 children or 4 children for me....i had even decided that i will not interefere with what i deem to be His decision...
when i lost honeystar, i was tremendously miserable...i choke on my tears even today when i think of my lost child....suddenly the realisation came to me when a few collegues chat and one of them asked me if i was ok... as usual, tears roll down...i started talking about it and within minutes, a few others had their tears rolling as well... the more i talked about it, the more i started to understand...
you see, i had always prayed for God to show me the answer to whether it is 3 or 4... and when i was expecting honeystar, i was convinced that it was 4 but i lost the baby. i think biologically i have lost the ability to produce enough hormones to support the pregnancy...it started decresing since my baby no. 2 and even more baby no. 3 since i had to take hormones to support the pregnancies...i am now convinced that i was destined to be a mother of three and not four....i had to experience it before i can totally accept it. probably, it was God's way of telling me that my body could only bear and support three pregnancies...
the feeling of being pregnant is so beautiful that my heart weeps for i may never be there again. the closeness, the bonding and the bliss felt in that nine months is the experince that makes a mother more special to her child than the father... God wanted it to be that way....
it is amazing the way God convinced me.... i am coming to terms with the fact. and it is today that i shed tears for all those women who never did or ever will be able to bear children. i still shed tears for my honeystar....will forever miss my unborn child....
i could be wrong about God and in a few months time, i could be having baby no. 5.... Allahu Akhbar...
Sweetheart, I believe God did want you to be a mother of 4, only that your sweet Honeystar was meant to travel back Home to Him, and you were meant to parent from afar. One day, you will hold that sweet one in your arms; until then, I will close my eyes and see your sweet baby playing and laughing with mine on the Other Side. Big hugs.... Big, big hugs...
ReplyDeleteoh Michele...you made me look at my coming to terms differently... yes, i shall mother my baby from afar and until we are together again in the hereafter, yours shall be with mine looking at their mummies from afar too... hahaha what can i say, tears spring in my eyes like almost immediately...i can't help it...will never be able too... love and hugs for you and your sweet darling dear..
DeleteU're never going to know unless u try. :) if u want 4 go for it hon. Lots of risks, but life's like that. It cud be just fine if the pregnancy is meant to make it.Don't lose heart. Ure a great mom!
ReplyDeletedarling....i am amazed at your courage...i have learnt from our experiences...i can't bear another loss. it will be like making my heart commit suicide... therefore, i don't dare dear....
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