a lonely desert in the mind

yes, i am feeling depressed...  everything seem to depress me...

when i was younger, i didn't know why but when it happens time and time again, i tend to be able to point at the reason for my depression.  i am recovering from viral infection that caused high grade fever and flu. i am not completely out if it and the effect of the medication i took is probably lingering... im rarely on medication, thus the result, i assume. 

it adds to the depression as the memory bank where unhappiness of yester years were tucked away assumed to be lost is being triggered effortlessly.  what is the relevance i failed to reckon.  it is probably that when i am in similar condition, the melancholic feeling floods the thought, the smell and surroundings bring me to an isolated space in this crowded world...a self created world in my mind, lonely as it is as there has no entrance for anyone except me when i am lost in my own thoughts...

thus far, i never understood the reason for this depression but today, i decided to write about it so as to dwell further into the feelings that haunts me.  i wanted to understand, know myself and the reasons and above it all, the need to conquer it all.  this has become some sort of root cause analysis. 

i guess i was mostly alone when i was ill.  i deal with sickness and unhappiness in silence.  there is silence in my own world and i hear nothing except for what i say in my own thoughts.  one thing i learnt about myself is that loneliness is my worst enemy....a reminder of the days when i sailed my journey on a choppy sea trying to survive the errors and mistakes that only resulted in unhappiness.  a reminder of  time and time again the mess i created and yet, coming out clean with the least bruises.  God has been nothing but kind to me.  i guess the depression is caused by the fact that i am rarely sick and when i am, those memories gushes out to stay a little longer.  moments like this i am alone in a hot desert....being a desert rose.

it is times like this when i start feeling claustrophobic of the future and all its possible issues.  there is no need for me to think about those nonexistent issues but is it surreal what the mind can do.  it can bring me to where destruction was and suffocate while it drowns me like what the open sea can...

i shall swim ashore, gasping for air while grasping the many little feel good factors i managed to find in life with God's kindness and blessings to break this depression mode.