tearless cries

i am back at my desk, googling 'my husband doesn't want a baby'.  i tried reading up on that issue but ended up feeling depressed about it.  i decided to write in order to release myself of the depression.

i just got back from an evaluation committee meeting i chaired.  there was a face i never saw at the meeting. having concluded the meeting, i chatted with her. as we were leaving, i mentioned to her that i wanted to drop by the mall and get a pair of baju kurung for my daughter.  i noted her red bindi and asked her how many children she had. her response were none.  i simply thought that it was a case of TTC.  oh no, she then said that her husband didn't want one.  i was naive enough to say... not yet probably.

she said she already knew her husband's stand about not having children before she wed.  she agreed to marry him anyway hoping that he changed his mind or she could change him.  i was not prepared for this.  it left me totally gaping at her. i couldn't help but ask her further questions.  apparently everyone had talked her husband into it and to no avail.  once decided, it was decided for life. that was her husband. her husband married for companionship.  there were tearless cries as she started talking.  i could see in it her eyes, the explosive urge to mother a baby, to hold a baby or her own in her arms and have a lifelong commitment to her child.  she convinced herself that having a child would probably not be a good idea as she traveled quite a distance daily.  she tried not to think about it anymore.  many people had advised her to take another husband but to her, that was easier said than done. 

by this time, i was already cursing her husband... i felt claustrophobic listening to her being imprisoned in her marriage and having to console her heart.  i felt the pain as if i was going through it.  but i couldn't blame him as she had agreed to marry him knowingly.  what a mistake a lot of us do.  marrying someone hoping they would change for us.  she said that she should have decided to or not to accept the marriage proposal as it was.

i believe that God crossed my path with hers and allowed this conversation for me to leave her with a few words of wisdom and a reminder for me to appreciate all that i have been blessed with.  God bless her lonely heart.

my silent prayer for her and all mothers craving for motherhood.... O Allah, bless their wombs with what they crave for and fill their hearts with lots of love and happiness.  if they were all fated to be childless, bless their hearts with peace and serenity... amin....